REIGNING IN THE WILD MIND
You know that feeling, in the pit of your stomach, when something terrible is out of your control. You immediately imagine the worst-case scenario. Your eyes widen, your breathing gets jacked, your heart rate spikes, you hover on the edge of fear…
Stop here for a moment. Everything up to this point is a natural reaction to what we instinctually fear. Stoicism teaches that all animals including humans, react without thought, instinctually, to the immediate threats we perceive. I’m going to lose my mate, my life is in danger, my community is turning on me, I’m all alone, my child is in danger… etc. Like all animals, humans react to threats instinctually.
However, unlike most animals, humans are equipped with the ability to be rational; meaning we can think about the perceived threat after our initial reaction has passed. Using the power of our minds, our next reactions can vary. I will describe the worst and best case scenarios that I can imagine.
In the worst case scenario, we choose to focus and dwell on the threat, making it into something much bigger than it is (what Stoics call “catastrophizing”). Even when the threat is gone, we replay it over and over, imagining it to be a constant threat rather than in the past. For most animals, once a threat is gone, they simply go back to living their lives as if it never happened. As humans, we often give threats power over us for long periods of time, even the rest of our lives.
In the best case scenario, we choose to stop ourselves from catastrophizing and use our rational minds instead. Sometimes we have to wait for our bodies to calm down first. Once we’ve calmed down, we assess the true degree of the threat and cope with it appropriately. Right in those first moments after our initial reaction, that’s when we have the power to choose. Choose to unravel into irrational panic. Or choose to stop, assess the situation realistically, and determine a respectful, loving course of action instead.
We are taught as children that we have no control over our emotions. We see it in popular media and we see it in our homes. We learn to blame others for how we feel, when everything we feel is caused by our own perception of things, rather than the things themselves. We are taught to lash out at people when “they” hurt us. But the truth is, what hurts one person, may not hurt another person at all. It is our perception of things being hurtful that makes them hurtful.
We want to feel in control because our lives are out of control. It’s important to recognize that our lives ARE out of our control, for the most part. The only aspect of our lives that we can control is how we think about and react to “things.” We have influence on the world around us, but we do not have control. That is life.
Fortunately, our lives are not completely out of our control. We do have control over how we perceive the things that happen to us. Let’s consider an example…
Imagine your best friend has broken your confidence and shared something personal about you with another. Your instincts tell you, “This is bad! I’ve been betrayed. I’m in danger.” If you let your mind run wild, it will point out other times your best friend let you down. It will assume your friend hates you and is faking the friendship. Your mind will ask you what other secrets your friend has told. The wild mind comes up with all kinds of thoughts to prove that your initial reaction of fear was correct. These thoughts heighten your anxiety and stir up anger towards your friend. You confront them bitterly about the betrayal and end the friendship.
Imagine, on the other hand, that after your initial shock and pain of betrayal, you reign in your wild mind and engage your rational mind. You assess the threat with deliberateness and balance. You ask yourself:
What am I really afraid of? What’s the worst thing that could happen? How likely is that to happen? Why do I feel the need to control my friend? What is the deep instinctual fear that this situation brings up for me? What is out of my control? What is in my control? How can I handle the situation with love?
You begin to imagine reasons why your friend may have innocently shared your secret. It could simply be that they are bad at keeping secrets. Or perhaps they are worried about you. You decide not to tell them personal things in the future. You realize that shit happens, but this is not the end of the world. You forgive your friend without saying a word about the betrayal, because you’re over it before it has barely begun.
As someone who has extensively used both my wild mind and my rational mind to cope with instinctually-perceived threats, the rational reaction is always preferred. I feel better because I don’t lose my cool. I also don’t have to apologize to anyone later for my words spoken in fear or anger. My wild mind has led me to many regrets and apologies. And it still does sometimes. But I’ve gotten much better because I’ve learned the truth about conntrol:
Letting go of what we can’t control is the key to a peaceful life. Recognizing and leveraging what we can control is the key to a successful life.
Love Annie
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